Ian Cowley, Melbourn, Cambs  20/May/2022 - London time is 01:08 (BST)

This is a collection of bizarre quotes from my time here in Cambridge.... names have not been included, for the sake of personal safety, but the quoter's position/situation is shown to give some context.

Quotes are separated into years, and are in roughly chronological order within each year.

Fourth Year

  • "I'll use the small end if you come when I ask" - We shouldn't ask really
  • "Fudgepack my arse!" - This was, unfortunately, me...in the queue in Upper Hall
  • "Ooooh...sexy blue cable" - Me
  • "The only thing keeping me alive was Ian's boxer shorts" - Dirty Nickers
  • "You're obsessed with incinerating your own testicles with radiation!" - On the subject of isotope-heated gold toilet seats.
  • "Much as I don't want the international situation to get any worse, it'd be quite cool if it were another barrage of planes" - My pyromania is getting out of hand
  • "Trust my arse!" - More dirty Nickers
  • "I just squeezed it very gently, and it squirted all across the room" - Dirty Ian
  • "I think you should know I'm not alone..." - The perils of divulging info freely over ICQ.
  • "How many photos of my holes do you need to take?" - A tale of digital imagery and rivets.
  • "Come here and let me put this little hand up your arse - it's easier than talking!" - Oh dear.
  • "Next time can you wait until I've got my mouth open?" - Nickers, again
  • "Oh, I'm glad someone else believes in those...was it one of those Jordan's crunchy ones?" - Farty Cereals
  • "My bedder did once surprice me in bed..." - The priviledges of a Cambridge education
  • Kellogg's Semen Replacement - Mix with weetabix brine and take one teaspoon in place of your normal semen intake - One of those really really odd dreams
  • "Ok, I'll do it, as long as you're nice with me!" - Coxing!
  • "Yeah, how many types of fire engine are there?" - "Jon, that was an ambulance!" - Exam term can get to you
  • "Why is there cauliflower in the kettle?" - Jon's drunken evenings....
  • "Why am I dripping all over myself?" - Jon
  • "Hey, i look sexy as a black man!" - Sam, upon seeing a negative-image of himself
  • "Don't eat yourself! You're not nutritious" - Nickers
  • "They're smelly and they shit everywhere - you may as well eat them!" - Jen's attitude to children
  • "I was rather expecting the chair to come with me" - It's just a jump to the left
  • "My arse is wet because of that bloody Cowley stuff" - Sam

Third Year

  • "Bloody hell! Someone said 'Breastfest' in a non-Pendergast-related situation!" - You Don't Know Jack
  • "It's a part of the human condition that we always thinks we know nearly everything. In fact we know nothing, or nearly nothing, anyway" - Steve Julian, Part II Stat. and Therm. Physics
  • "A thousand isn't infinite, but it turns out to be pretty close" - Ditto
  • "Sorry - I should try not to think during lectures" - Ditto
  • "There's open minded, and then there's knowing Ian" - A friend introducing me to a third party
  • "I want to be a ribena berry!" - The Cav drives people mad
  • "I just can't resist it with James" - Ummmm, OK

Second Year

  • "Euro 2000...is that this year then?" - Helen
  • "It means you don't get mugged" - "Well if you do, you just slap them and they pass out" - Danish cheese
  • "Oh, Wensledale sheep are fantastic!" - Yeeees. You have to excuse her, she's from Yorkshire.
  • "Oh, Elling was fantastic that night..." - Apparently I said this one...
  • "Excuse me if I groan" - I think he drank too much port last night.
  • "Geraint! You're in ANTI-phase!" - Our cox.
  • "It looks very Egyptian..." - American Tourist looking at the Formal Hall archway in Christ's.
  • "Ooh, I'd charge at least a tenner" - Really?
  • "I'm quite cheap really" - 24 hours later.

First Year

  • "Ooh, I've got that thing where I'm seeing two of everything" - Fresher during Fresher's Week
  • "The height of a tetrahedron is 1/4 the distance from the base to the vertex" - Materials and Minerals Sciences Lecturer
  • "Oh, I've offended some minority groups I think....homosexuals, women......." - Producer of Cambridge University radio show.
  • "Come here, I want to hurt you" - Girlfriend to me.
  • "I don't like you anymore, you've run out of Scrumpy" - Me
  • "Please don't break into the JCR tonight....." - Night Porter speaking to two freshers he hadpreviously seen on the College CCTV attempting to enter the JCR through the window at 3 a.m.
  • "The sea of electrons in metals mean they absorb radiation on a wide range of frequencies, making them transparent" - Materials and Mineral Sciences Lecturer
  • "A dodecahedron has 6 square faces and 8 triangular ones" - Materials and Minerals Sciences Lecture Handout
  • "I wonder what tonight's lasagne will be" - Anyone who has visited Upper Hall more than twice
  • "So, how many times have you been to Formal Hall this week, Mark?". "Uh....seven" - The local Toff
  • "Yeah, my brother did Natural Sciences...he's an alcoholic now." - 'Daily Mail' journalist writing to me.
  • "Poisoning pigeons is fun" - Sarah, one of my acquaintances
  • "He was more scary than I could ever imagine, and he didn't even have a trench coat" - Speaking of Vlad the Russian
  • "Hello IanAdam" - See first quote
  • "He bounced off my bookshelf and landed on my CD player" - Speaking of Vlad the Russian
  • "The bastards got me drunk!" - Jon the Teetotaler
  • "But it was funny the first time" - Sarah the Joke Teller
  • "I just keep on eating chocolate, and I'm going to be sick" - A worrying male acquaintance
  • "Statistics would be so much more interesting if you could make up the numbers" - NatSci friend
  • "We'll have to stop manhandling each other - I'll get an erection." "Oh no, not again" -The Joys of splitting up.
  • "If you break my calculator, I shall have to kill you, then chop your body up and sell it. With the money I make from selling your body, I shall buy a new calculator." - Cambridge Threats
  • "With *your* mental capacity and *your* weight, shut up." - Taxi-drivers arguing
  • "What are you drinking there?" "Weeeeeell, it's a quadruple bacardi and not very much Coke at all." - Economizing with drinks.
  • "Someone stop Vlad, he's pouring beer into my carpet!" - Yet another Vladding
  • "There's no 'r' in grass!" - Linguist friend
  • "I want to curl up into a small ball and hide away from the world!" - Friend after hearing a small extract from 'Apple'.
  • "My Thursday has been foo-barred." - Supervisions ahoy.
  • "You araldite-ed some ball-bearings to your shelf??", "I didn't mean to...it just sort of happened" - Materials Science Fun
  • "I was just randomly lying on the bed with A, whilst B was taking photos" - Sounds fun.
  • "You haven't seen the photos" - Follow-up line to the one above.
  • "I was trying to get people into my bedroom, but they just wouldn't go - not even in groups!" - I'm told it was very crowded in her living room at the time - hmmm.
This page updated on 18 December 2015 at 21:57